On the journey of discovering my top values, I engaged in hundreds of conversations. When I asked people, “What values would you like to live by?” a response pattern emerged. Most people listed all the values that came to mind, as if voicing only few would mean that others are not significant. Among interviewees, however, was Jade, a silent lady in her late nineties; she mostly listened but when she did speak, she was able to articulate her values with clarity; her conviction to live by them could be felt, hovering over her like an aura. I wanted to be like her.
Why values?
Values are principles that fundamentally matter to us. We slowly begin to understand their meaning and virtue with time, as we experience the world. Listening to Jade, I recognized several benefits to knowing and living top values. Remembering these keeps me grounded:
Setting priority and structure. Our awareness can do its job effectively by choosing a response that fits our principles when we have a manageable number of them. With fewer principles to be conscious of, we give ourselves time and space to train them. In a sense, less is more.
Being intentional about our actions. How we approach life is tied to what matters most to us. Having clarity of values enables us to act in accord with them and become the individuals we would like to be. Our unique way of living values adds to the color palette of humanity; it is our gift to the world.
Dealing with setbacks. Having uncompromised principles helps us bear with difficult moments. There is a danger in judging our performance based on the outcome: too many external factors affect the final score. Focusing on the process, with values at the forefront, ensures we act with no regrets because we have put our best effort forward.
Articulating values in five steps
Finding connections through mind mapping. On a piece of paper, I put down the word values and let my mind dictate the rest capturing the words, feelings, and images that arose. This was more difficult than I expected: my perfectionism kept interrupting the flow of ideas. I had to remind myself that I can improve the map later, once I have fully explored what the mind has to offer. Mind mapping is like looking through a menu in a restaurant: you don’t want to miss the dish that could transform your dining experience.
Starting with the end in mind. I followed Stephen Covey’s advice of beginning with the end in mind by asking questions: How would I like to be remembered? What do I want my life to be about? What kind of person would I like to be? What do I want to offer to others and myself?
Reviewing stories. Stories of our lives are a major source of learning. I have filled my notebook with experiences that affected me, both positively and negatively. In the process, I began to see similarities in the stories: humility, generosity, and equanimity, permeated the pages. These values, or lack thereof, evoked strong feelings of inspiration or anger, revealing what matters to me.
Perusing books I have read. As I read through the titles of books on my shelf, an appeal of certain subjects is apparent; I have spent many hours learning to be a giver, to keep my composure in difficult moments, and to live with questions as opposed to judgements. But I recognized that—until practiced—the knowledge I have acquired is nothing more than a dusty shelf filled with tomes. By stripping down the clutter of values to essentials, I created space to train behaviors that support the values I want to embody.
Cataloging poetry. I like to write poems. Poetry allows me to put together the two aspects of life that I find fascinating: language and emotions. This is where I let myself to be vulnerable and feel whatever is: the positive and negative emotions are both welcome. While classifying poetry I have written, I reflected on the subjects, imagery, and words that appeared. Rereading, I could feel my desire to eternize values I hold dear.
While learning values that form my being, I have not given up other values, but rather explored them through the lens of humility, generosity and equanimity. The idea behind isolating top values is not to narrow-mindedly decide between either-or, but openly recognize that most things fall under the umbrella of both-and. Only then, comprehending a full picture, can we choose how to experience life and come closer to who we desire to be.